Well, so much for planning. Lucy's amniotic fluid index has been dropping rather quickly, so it has been recommended that we induce. We'll be checking into the hospital Wednesday night. Hopefully a c-section will not be required, but we'll have to see how it goes.
The next time I blog, I'll be someone's mother. Holy crap!
11.07.2007
11.01.2007
Am I Nervous?
I get asked this question a lot.
I *KNOW* the fact that I have a baby on the way in less than two weeks hasn't sunk in.
Nervous? Yes! In denial still? Sometimes!
Being pregnant forces you to really listen to your body. Unfortunately, I feel like it's speaking in Swahili most of the time. Was that twinge important? Is the baby about to fall out? What happened to my boobs?
I think I'll continue in a semi-denial state until I get gushed or realize I'm in the hospital and some person I've never met just stuck a crochet hook up my hoohah to break my water. Or I'm staring at a blue drape with no clue what's going on "down there" as they slice me open and rearrange my insides. Otherwise the nervousness will seriously hinder my ability to stock up on sleep.
I *KNOW* the fact that I have a baby on the way in less than two weeks hasn't sunk in.
Nervous? Yes! In denial still? Sometimes!
Being pregnant forces you to really listen to your body. Unfortunately, I feel like it's speaking in Swahili most of the time. Was that twinge important? Is the baby about to fall out? What happened to my boobs?
I think I'll continue in a semi-denial state until I get gushed or realize I'm in the hospital and some person I've never met just stuck a crochet hook up my hoohah to break my water. Or I'm staring at a blue drape with no clue what's going on "down there" as they slice me open and rearrange my insides. Otherwise the nervousness will seriously hinder my ability to stock up on sleep.
10.18.2007
Home Alone
You'd think with all the free time on my hands, I'd be a veritable fount of blog entries. Hardly.
The first week off work was spent attempting to find items from my Lucy List locally so I didn't have to shell out an arm and a leg on shipping charges from the mainland. Apparently, all that beebopping around town was a bit tiring, so by Thursday, I'd had enough. I placed my orders at no less than four different online vendors, forcing myself to ignore the shipping charges. Damn, I wish this rock had a Target.
DH left for what was supposed to be a two week underway. A few days later he showed up unexpectedly and practically scared me into labor. Seems the boat had some issues. Those took a few days to fix and he was off again. Now he's back home and won't be going anydamnwhere until mid- to late January when he goes to catch up with the boat halfway through a six month deployment. Let the last minute preparations begin!
Saturday we are finally taking the maternity ward tour....me in my 36.5 week of pregnancy. Nothing like waiting until the last minute, right? I'll feel better after that is over with. At least I'll have a better idea of what to pack for the hospital. I'll keep my legs crossed until then.
At some point in a lot of pregnancies, the baby "drops" - moves farther down into the uterus to better prepare for birth. Lucy hasn't dropped, per se. It's more like she's slid. But the change has been enough to let me breathe better and eat better. However, it's playing havoc with my bladder. Can't have everything right?
I had visions of getting all kinds of things done around the house with all this free time. Not so much. I have three doctor's appointments every week, so there's three days I have to leave the house. I try to find some reason to leave the house the other two days. I know all too well how depressed I can get. But yet, I don't have the energy to do all these things I wanted to do. I need to get my thank you cards done before I have the kid, for crying out loud. But this involves consolidating information from no less than three different computers into one friggin' spreadsheet so we can have an updated mailing list. It will come in handy with all the pictures and birth announcements and what not in the future.
I try to cut myself some slack. I am 9 months pregnant. I'm not supposed to have energy. I can barely pull my bloated butt off the couch. Not to mention the barely supressed panic attacks relating to the revelation that I will soon be responsible for caring for another human being. I'm not supposed to be doing a bunch of stuff. I'm supposed to be resting (they don't want to take the definitive step of putting me on bed rest, but they would prefer that I refrain from strenous activity and spend a fair amount of the day either sitting with my feet up or laying on my left side).
My blood pressure is creeping up, but hasn't gotten to the concerning stage. Even though I spent a month losing weight, Lucy is doing fine and I actually gained a pound last week. My OB informed me yesterday that if Lucy doesn't show up by 11/13, I will be induced the next day. No reason to take risks with my blood pressure. It weird to having something be so definitive. I have no clue whether I'll go all the way to my due date. Everything is closed up tight, but it could all change in as little as a day. Just let me get through this Maternity tour on Saturday and hit 37 weeks next Tuesday. She'll be considered full term then, and I won't be so worried.
The first week off work was spent attempting to find items from my Lucy List locally so I didn't have to shell out an arm and a leg on shipping charges from the mainland. Apparently, all that beebopping around town was a bit tiring, so by Thursday, I'd had enough. I placed my orders at no less than four different online vendors, forcing myself to ignore the shipping charges. Damn, I wish this rock had a Target.
DH left for what was supposed to be a two week underway. A few days later he showed up unexpectedly and practically scared me into labor. Seems the boat had some issues. Those took a few days to fix and he was off again. Now he's back home and won't be going anydamnwhere until mid- to late January when he goes to catch up with the boat halfway through a six month deployment. Let the last minute preparations begin!
Saturday we are finally taking the maternity ward tour....me in my 36.5 week of pregnancy. Nothing like waiting until the last minute, right? I'll feel better after that is over with. At least I'll have a better idea of what to pack for the hospital. I'll keep my legs crossed until then.
At some point in a lot of pregnancies, the baby "drops" - moves farther down into the uterus to better prepare for birth. Lucy hasn't dropped, per se. It's more like she's slid. But the change has been enough to let me breathe better and eat better. However, it's playing havoc with my bladder. Can't have everything right?
I had visions of getting all kinds of things done around the house with all this free time. Not so much. I have three doctor's appointments every week, so there's three days I have to leave the house. I try to find some reason to leave the house the other two days. I know all too well how depressed I can get. But yet, I don't have the energy to do all these things I wanted to do. I need to get my thank you cards done before I have the kid, for crying out loud. But this involves consolidating information from no less than three different computers into one friggin' spreadsheet so we can have an updated mailing list. It will come in handy with all the pictures and birth announcements and what not in the future.
I try to cut myself some slack. I am 9 months pregnant. I'm not supposed to have energy. I can barely pull my bloated butt off the couch. Not to mention the barely supressed panic attacks relating to the revelation that I will soon be responsible for caring for another human being. I'm not supposed to be doing a bunch of stuff. I'm supposed to be resting (they don't want to take the definitive step of putting me on bed rest, but they would prefer that I refrain from strenous activity and spend a fair amount of the day either sitting with my feet up or laying on my left side).
My blood pressure is creeping up, but hasn't gotten to the concerning stage. Even though I spent a month losing weight, Lucy is doing fine and I actually gained a pound last week. My OB informed me yesterday that if Lucy doesn't show up by 11/13, I will be induced the next day. No reason to take risks with my blood pressure. It weird to having something be so definitive. I have no clue whether I'll go all the way to my due date. Everything is closed up tight, but it could all change in as little as a day. Just let me get through this Maternity tour on Saturday and hit 37 weeks next Tuesday. She'll be considered full term then, and I won't be so worried.
9.29.2007
Free At Last
Yesterday was my last day of work. To say I'm happy and relieved would be an understatement. It did seem sort of weird to say "See you in six months or so." It's actually closer to seven, but I didn't want to freak people out too much.
The contractor dude is a walking disaster. My boss has been in town the last couple days and even she doesn't like him much. I feel a little guilty about leaving everyone in his incompetent hands, but they'll deal and my health is more important.
I had a bit of a dizzy spell yesterday. It's been very humid and I was taking stuff out to my car from my office. Lucy's really making a home for herself in my upper abdomen, taking up lung and stomach space. No wonder I lost four pounds in two weeks. I eat breakfast and lunch and I feel like I'm still digesting it at dinner time. Maybe I should switch to high calorie foods. Maybe an all ice cream diet?
Who would have thought I'd get pregnant and LOSE weight. Almost six pounds total the whole pregnancy. Doctor doesn't seem to be too worried, but cautioned about the four pound loss being a continuing trend. Lucy gained a pound this last month, though.
So it's me and the baby room and the house for the next six weeks. Lucy's room looks like a baby store threw up in it. I have loads and loads of laundry to do and little organizational tasks to accomplish around the house. I guess this is nesting.
The contractor dude is a walking disaster. My boss has been in town the last couple days and even she doesn't like him much. I feel a little guilty about leaving everyone in his incompetent hands, but they'll deal and my health is more important.
I had a bit of a dizzy spell yesterday. It's been very humid and I was taking stuff out to my car from my office. Lucy's really making a home for herself in my upper abdomen, taking up lung and stomach space. No wonder I lost four pounds in two weeks. I eat breakfast and lunch and I feel like I'm still digesting it at dinner time. Maybe I should switch to high calorie foods. Maybe an all ice cream diet?
Who would have thought I'd get pregnant and LOSE weight. Almost six pounds total the whole pregnancy. Doctor doesn't seem to be too worried, but cautioned about the four pound loss being a continuing trend. Lucy gained a pound this last month, though.
So it's me and the baby room and the house for the next six weeks. Lucy's room looks like a baby store threw up in it. I have loads and loads of laundry to do and little organizational tasks to accomplish around the house. I guess this is nesting.
9.22.2007
It's Raining Love
Sounds cheesy, doesn't it? But it's the way I feel right now. I had my work baby shower yesterday and my friends/family shower today and I can't believe how cared for I feel right now. The folks at work were absolutely lovely. They've been very supportive throughout the pregnancy and threw a really nice shower. Today I got to see my friends all in one place at one time, old friends and new ones, and we had a wonderful time. Friends and family far away were also there in spirit. My mom was totally in her element and I just sat back and let her have at it.
I'm absolutely exhausted from today and yesterday, but I go to bed feeling really warm and fuzzy. And I'm not prone to that kinds of mushy crap normally.
I'm absolutely exhausted from today and yesterday, but I go to bed feeling really warm and fuzzy. And I'm not prone to that kinds of mushy crap normally.
9.12.2007
We Have a Winner
My "real" boss returned from Maternity Leave the Tuesday after Labor Day. I had a convo with her about the option that the doc is giving me to stop working. Told her I'd picked October 1st as my effective date. No less than two days later, the ball was definitely in motion. Three days later, the contractor who will be filling in for me was identified.
When I started this job 15 months ago, there had been a contractor filling in while they went through their 6+ month hiring process (and my 8+ job interviews ... yes 8+ interviews for THIS JOB). He sort of trained me, although I got to spend a couple of weeks on the mainland working at different offices and doing the orientation thing. I was underwhelmed with him as a IT person, to be honest, but he got the job done during the interim. Ok, he got about 25% of the job done. He didn't get access to a lot of things so he was doing the bare minimum.
During the conversation with my boss, I mentioned that this guy might still be out there, doing temp jobs and contract work. I had serious reservations that he had found full time employment over a year later, because honestly, I wouldn't find him employable as a permanent IT person. Not saying I'm hot sh!t...but compared to me (and my IT counterparts) he's less than stellar.
Whaddaya know? She contacted the staffing company and lo and behold, he's available. Imagine that. So, next Monday he's coming in to start our two week training/turnover. I don't think he has any idea what he's getting himself into. They gave him just enough information to get by last time. This time, he's has to BE me...with access to databases and other resources he didn't have before. With more responsibility and expectations than before. Lord help me. Or maybe, Lord help him.
I hear he's been trying to find a gig similar to this one for awhile. As I remember it, he actually applied for the job, but either applied too late or they just said that to not hurt his feelings. We'll see how tasty he thinks this job is after he has to really do it himself.
Today I saw the OB and before I could bring it up she asked if I had made a decision about work. I handed her the paperwork and asked her to make it effective Oct. 1. I called the STD people today and opened the claim. This is really going to happen. Sometimes I have to pinch myself. I think I found one of the best companies to be pregnant at -other than one in Canada or Australia, where they give you 12+ months off for maternity leave.
I'm so tired and worn out though. Really looking forward to some rest before my entire life changes forever.
When I started this job 15 months ago, there had been a contractor filling in while they went through their 6+ month hiring process (and my 8+ job interviews ... yes 8+ interviews for THIS JOB). He sort of trained me, although I got to spend a couple of weeks on the mainland working at different offices and doing the orientation thing. I was underwhelmed with him as a IT person, to be honest, but he got the job done during the interim. Ok, he got about 25% of the job done. He didn't get access to a lot of things so he was doing the bare minimum.
During the conversation with my boss, I mentioned that this guy might still be out there, doing temp jobs and contract work. I had serious reservations that he had found full time employment over a year later, because honestly, I wouldn't find him employable as a permanent IT person. Not saying I'm hot sh!t...but compared to me (and my IT counterparts) he's less than stellar.
Whaddaya know? She contacted the staffing company and lo and behold, he's available. Imagine that. So, next Monday he's coming in to start our two week training/turnover. I don't think he has any idea what he's getting himself into. They gave him just enough information to get by last time. This time, he's has to BE me...with access to databases and other resources he didn't have before. With more responsibility and expectations than before. Lord help me. Or maybe, Lord help him.
I hear he's been trying to find a gig similar to this one for awhile. As I remember it, he actually applied for the job, but either applied too late or they just said that to not hurt his feelings. We'll see how tasty he thinks this job is after he has to really do it himself.
Today I saw the OB and before I could bring it up she asked if I had made a decision about work. I handed her the paperwork and asked her to make it effective Oct. 1. I called the STD people today and opened the claim. This is really going to happen. Sometimes I have to pinch myself. I think I found one of the best companies to be pregnant at -other than one in Canada or Australia, where they give you 12+ months off for maternity leave.
I'm so tired and worn out though. Really looking forward to some rest before my entire life changes forever.
8.29.2007
To Work or Not to Work
Just came back from my OB appointment. Apparently fluid retention is causing me to have carpal tunnel syndrome, which is why my hands have been killing me lately.
The last time I saw her I said something to her about how tired I am, she told me to take a nap. I gave her a dirty look and told her I didn't see how that was feasible, given the fact that I am AT WORK all day.
Today she asked me how long I planned on working. I told her I didn't know, but my company has pretty decent STD benefits. She told me to let her know when I wanted to stop working and she'd write me off. She said she could do it right now because of the hypertension, anemia, carpal tunnel, my high riskedness (not a word, I made that up), etc. I told her I would think about it. I guess I will have to call Leave Management tomorrow and see what they can tell me. I figure by the end of the September, I'm going to be begging to stay home.
I feel bad all the time, the anemia makes me so tired and the sleep deprivation makes me mentally worthless. My job is fairly easy (I think people are taking it easy on me on purpose), so I don't know if I should just stick it out til mid or late October. I should have asked the doc about a reduced schedule. I'll make sure to ask Leave Management about that tomorrow. And see what kind of a pay hit I'd be taking. I find it hard to justify going out this early with the baby doing so well. If it were affecting her, I'd go out in a flash, but it's just me and my whining right now.
Other than that, she said the report on my NST looks good. Lucy did her usual "run away from the doppler wand" but we finally pegged her down.
Ultrasound on Friday. This will be the first time I go to an ultrasound on my own. My mom is off island and my husband is working. My dad isn't really interested in seeing the inner workings of my uterus real time. I have another NST before that, so it's going to be a long visit, anyway.
The last time I saw her I said something to her about how tired I am, she told me to take a nap. I gave her a dirty look and told her I didn't see how that was feasible, given the fact that I am AT WORK all day.
Today she asked me how long I planned on working. I told her I didn't know, but my company has pretty decent STD benefits. She told me to let her know when I wanted to stop working and she'd write me off. She said she could do it right now because of the hypertension, anemia, carpal tunnel, my high riskedness (not a word, I made that up), etc. I told her I would think about it. I guess I will have to call Leave Management tomorrow and see what they can tell me. I figure by the end of the September, I'm going to be begging to stay home.
I feel bad all the time, the anemia makes me so tired and the sleep deprivation makes me mentally worthless. My job is fairly easy (I think people are taking it easy on me on purpose), so I don't know if I should just stick it out til mid or late October. I should have asked the doc about a reduced schedule. I'll make sure to ask Leave Management about that tomorrow. And see what kind of a pay hit I'd be taking. I find it hard to justify going out this early with the baby doing so well. If it were affecting her, I'd go out in a flash, but it's just me and my whining right now.
Other than that, she said the report on my NST looks good. Lucy did her usual "run away from the doppler wand" but we finally pegged her down.
Ultrasound on Friday. This will be the first time I go to an ultrasound on my own. My mom is off island and my husband is working. My dad isn't really interested in seeing the inner workings of my uterus real time. I have another NST before that, so it's going to be a long visit, anyway.
8.24.2007
Say Whaa???
The company I work for is global. My actual "home team" is the LA office, that's where my bosses and my manager sit. I'm just floating out here in the middle of the ocean by myself, enjoying the peace and quiet of not having any one constantly looking over my shoulder.
Anyway, once a week we have Team Meetings. These Team Meetings are run by my "fake" boss since my real boss is out on maternity leave. When my real boss ran the show, I was normally done with the meeting inside half an hour. The "fake" boss drags these things out for an hour and half. Mostly because she's introduced "Teaming Presentations" where someone has to present something in 15 minutes. Anything. Doesn't have to be work related or the least bit relevant to anyone's life. We've had some doozies, let me tell ya. And they ALWAYS go longer than 15 minutes. I now know more than I ever wanted to about fun things like cricket and street basketball and the mating habits of killer bees from Africa.
Today was my turn. I presented on hypertension and pregnancy. You know that one guy in every office that is a know it all? We have one of those and he stated in the middle of my presentation that he was SURE he had the answer to what causes pre-eclampsia. This was after repeatedly interrupting me to add on to whatever I was discussing at the time and starting a lively debate (is it a debate if he's the only one talking?) about beta blockers as a treatment for hypertension. Hmm, I don't remember anyone doing that to him while he was giving his presentation on the benefits of homeschooling...oh wait, we were all asleep.
He declares that he will "touch base" with me after the meeting is over as his information was highly personal in nature. Umm...ok. By the time the HOUR AND FORTY FIVE MINUTE MEETING was over (not due to me running long, by the way) I'd totally forgotten about his self-proclaimed answer to the question that medical science has been trying to answer forever.
My phone rang and displayed an Unknown Number. Lovely. It was him. He said he had something very important and personal to discuss with me and proceeded to tell me about the research he'd done some 13 years or so ago when his wife was pregnant with his son/daughter (I forget which). He continued talking and declared that the cause of pre-eclampsia was....barrier contraception methods. He stated that the womb treats the fertilized egg as a parasite at implantation when barrier methods (sponge, spermicide, condom, etc.) were used. I could tell that he was trying to figure out a way to ask me what method of contraception was I using when I became pregnant. Seems to me if you are using contraception and you get pregnant anyway, you got bigger issues. He apologized for being personal. I said "obviously we both know I was having sex or I wouldn't be pregnant in the first place." Do you know it is totally possible to sense someone blushing over the phone? I'm pretty sure he did.
Those of you who know me well know I'm an information gatherer. So I set about researching his claim. Hmm...seems that is the COMPLETE OPPOSITE of what the Journal of the American Medical Association has determined. And the Graduate School of Public Health, University of Pittsburgh.
Maybe his conclusion was true 13 years ago. Maybe there are still institutions out there who stand behind that conclustion. Maybe things have changed in the last decade and a half. Who knows? I just find it incredibly creepy that a co-worker that I hardly know and have never even met face to face just called me to inquire as to the type of contraception I was using before I conceived.
Is this part of the "pregnant women are part of the public domain" phenomenon?
Anyway, once a week we have Team Meetings. These Team Meetings are run by my "fake" boss since my real boss is out on maternity leave. When my real boss ran the show, I was normally done with the meeting inside half an hour. The "fake" boss drags these things out for an hour and half. Mostly because she's introduced "Teaming Presentations" where someone has to present something in 15 minutes. Anything. Doesn't have to be work related or the least bit relevant to anyone's life. We've had some doozies, let me tell ya. And they ALWAYS go longer than 15 minutes. I now know more than I ever wanted to about fun things like cricket and street basketball and the mating habits of killer bees from Africa.
Today was my turn. I presented on hypertension and pregnancy. You know that one guy in every office that is a know it all? We have one of those and he stated in the middle of my presentation that he was SURE he had the answer to what causes pre-eclampsia. This was after repeatedly interrupting me to add on to whatever I was discussing at the time and starting a lively debate (is it a debate if he's the only one talking?) about beta blockers as a treatment for hypertension. Hmm, I don't remember anyone doing that to him while he was giving his presentation on the benefits of homeschooling...oh wait, we were all asleep.
He declares that he will "touch base" with me after the meeting is over as his information was highly personal in nature. Umm...ok. By the time the HOUR AND FORTY FIVE MINUTE MEETING was over (not due to me running long, by the way) I'd totally forgotten about his self-proclaimed answer to the question that medical science has been trying to answer forever.
My phone rang and displayed an Unknown Number. Lovely. It was him. He said he had something very important and personal to discuss with me and proceeded to tell me about the research he'd done some 13 years or so ago when his wife was pregnant with his son/daughter (I forget which). He continued talking and declared that the cause of pre-eclampsia was....barrier contraception methods. He stated that the womb treats the fertilized egg as a parasite at implantation when barrier methods (sponge, spermicide, condom, etc.) were used. I could tell that he was trying to figure out a way to ask me what method of contraception was I using when I became pregnant. Seems to me if you are using contraception and you get pregnant anyway, you got bigger issues. He apologized for being personal. I said "obviously we both know I was having sex or I wouldn't be pregnant in the first place." Do you know it is totally possible to sense someone blushing over the phone? I'm pretty sure he did.
Those of you who know me well know I'm an information gatherer. So I set about researching his claim. Hmm...seems that is the COMPLETE OPPOSITE of what the Journal of the American Medical Association has determined. And the Graduate School of Public Health, University of Pittsburgh.
Maybe his conclusion was true 13 years ago. Maybe there are still institutions out there who stand behind that conclustion. Maybe things have changed in the last decade and a half. Who knows? I just find it incredibly creepy that a co-worker that I hardly know and have never even met face to face just called me to inquire as to the type of contraception I was using before I conceived.
Is this part of the "pregnant women are part of the public domain" phenomenon?
8.05.2007
The Latest
I had a regular OB appt and an ultrasound appointment this week.
Lucy, as usual, was being totally uncooperative during picture taking. This time she had BOTH arms up and crossed in front of her face. She's starting to look like an actual baby on the 3d ones (what we could see of her). Her head is by my belly button and her body goes along the left side of my belly. When she wasn't crossing her arms, she was playing with her toes, sucking her thumb or making fishy faces. We got a picture where you can see her little tiny fingers on top of her little tiny toes. She's measuring in the 71st percentile (whatever that means) at 2lbs 4oz.
In three weeks, I start weekly stress tests. They assume my pressure will start creeping up then. I'm to take my bp at home/work 3x a day and write it down. I will bring my bp monitor in on the next visit so they can calibrate it with theirs, since it's a little off every time. If the bottom number goes over 90, we got issues and 2x weekly stress tests. There's talk of increasing my bp meds. I'm so scared about this because I get conflicting information from the internet about what I'm on. I hope I'm not hurting my Lucy.
During one of the 3d views, I saw what looked like testicles between her legs. I flipped out. So they showed me her girl parts. On 3d they actually look like girl parts. None of this "see the 3 lines" crap that I didn't believe.
Friday she got her first case of the hiccups (that I had felt anyway). It's freaky to see my boobs moving of their own accord, so I got up to walk around. When I'm standing up, she's not right under my ribs. OB started fundal height measurements this week, which I thought was hilarious, given my ampleness in the midsection.
Lucy, as usual, was being totally uncooperative during picture taking. This time she had BOTH arms up and crossed in front of her face. She's starting to look like an actual baby on the 3d ones (what we could see of her). Her head is by my belly button and her body goes along the left side of my belly. When she wasn't crossing her arms, she was playing with her toes, sucking her thumb or making fishy faces. We got a picture where you can see her little tiny fingers on top of her little tiny toes. She's measuring in the 71st percentile (whatever that means) at 2lbs 4oz.
In three weeks, I start weekly stress tests. They assume my pressure will start creeping up then. I'm to take my bp at home/work 3x a day and write it down. I will bring my bp monitor in on the next visit so they can calibrate it with theirs, since it's a little off every time. If the bottom number goes over 90, we got issues and 2x weekly stress tests. There's talk of increasing my bp meds. I'm so scared about this because I get conflicting information from the internet about what I'm on. I hope I'm not hurting my Lucy.
During one of the 3d views, I saw what looked like testicles between her legs. I flipped out. So they showed me her girl parts. On 3d they actually look like girl parts. None of this "see the 3 lines" crap that I didn't believe.
Friday she got her first case of the hiccups (that I had felt anyway). It's freaky to see my boobs moving of their own accord, so I got up to walk around. When I'm standing up, she's not right under my ribs. OB started fundal height measurements this week, which I thought was hilarious, given my ampleness in the midsection.
7.30.2007
My Husband the Brainiac
About a month ago, as DH (dear husband) and I lay in bed reading baby books, he turned to me and said, "I think you're anemic."
"Why?" I asked him, wondering if my hypochondriacal tendencies had rubbed off on him.
"Your nail beds are purple."
"Umm hmmm," I said, basically blowing him off.
From time to time he'd check my nail beds when he thought I wasn't looking. I really wasn't paying any attention to him, being diverted by more pressing issues like not sleeping, pregnesia, and worrying about getting butt grapes.
This past Saturday, I went in for my Glucose screening. It basically consists of drinking what I had heard was a nasty concoction, sitting around the waiting room for an hour and getting blood drawn at the end of the hour. The blood is then tested for diabetes, which many women develop while they are pregnant. Especially when they start out overweight, like me. My OB said results should be back within a week.
So, I go check in for this test...hand over my insurance cards and sign on the dotted line. The technician asks me what type of solution do I want.
Me: "What are my options?"
Him: "We have a orange cola-like drink and one that is a bit like Sprite."
Me (totally thinking he would be no help at all): "Well, have YOU tasted them?"
Him: "Yes, they make us try it."
Me: "Ok, what's your recommendation, then?" like he is some type of sommelier.
Him: "Personally, I like the Sprite one."
I was waiting for him to tell me it should be optimally paired with a fish or fowl selection, probably because I had been fasting for the last 12 hours and Lucy was getting cranky (aka kicking the crap out of me from the inside). He kindly served me my six ounces of liquid sugar in a dixie cup. (What? No wine glass?)
I drank the Sprite-like solution at a full gulp (remember, hadn't eaten in 12 hours). I think it tasted like Sprite, but was a little more...viscous. I proceeded to fiddle with my iPod for an hour killing time and at the end of my wait gave my required pint of blood. (Ok, I'm being a little over dramatic, it was just two vials.)What I didn't realize was what the second vial of blood was for. Didn't really care, just wanted to eat some darn breakfast already!
This afternoon my OB called with my results. Apparently, they tell you a week so you can be better blindsided when the results come back early. The good news is that I do not have Gestational Diabetes. Hooray!
The bad news is...I'm anemic. I guess I should have listened to Hubby, huh? Now I have to take iron supplements (read: constant constipation). Just when I thought I was going to avoid the butt grapes....
"Why?" I asked him, wondering if my hypochondriacal tendencies had rubbed off on him.
"Your nail beds are purple."
"Umm hmmm," I said, basically blowing him off.
From time to time he'd check my nail beds when he thought I wasn't looking. I really wasn't paying any attention to him, being diverted by more pressing issues like not sleeping, pregnesia, and worrying about getting butt grapes.
This past Saturday, I went in for my Glucose screening. It basically consists of drinking what I had heard was a nasty concoction, sitting around the waiting room for an hour and getting blood drawn at the end of the hour. The blood is then tested for diabetes, which many women develop while they are pregnant. Especially when they start out overweight, like me. My OB said results should be back within a week.
So, I go check in for this test...hand over my insurance cards and sign on the dotted line. The technician asks me what type of solution do I want.
Me: "What are my options?"
Him: "We have a orange cola-like drink and one that is a bit like Sprite."
Me (totally thinking he would be no help at all): "Well, have YOU tasted them?"
Him: "Yes, they make us try it."
Me: "Ok, what's your recommendation, then?" like he is some type of sommelier.
Him: "Personally, I like the Sprite one."
I was waiting for him to tell me it should be optimally paired with a fish or fowl selection, probably because I had been fasting for the last 12 hours and Lucy was getting cranky (aka kicking the crap out of me from the inside). He kindly served me my six ounces of liquid sugar in a dixie cup. (What? No wine glass?)
I drank the Sprite-like solution at a full gulp (remember, hadn't eaten in 12 hours). I think it tasted like Sprite, but was a little more...viscous. I proceeded to fiddle with my iPod for an hour killing time and at the end of my wait gave my required pint of blood. (Ok, I'm being a little over dramatic, it was just two vials.)What I didn't realize was what the second vial of blood was for. Didn't really care, just wanted to eat some darn breakfast already!
This afternoon my OB called with my results. Apparently, they tell you a week so you can be better blindsided when the results come back early. The good news is that I do not have Gestational Diabetes. Hooray!
The bad news is...I'm anemic. I guess I should have listened to Hubby, huh? Now I have to take iron supplements (read: constant constipation). Just when I thought I was going to avoid the butt grapes....
7.19.2007
Drugs Are My Friend
Ok, not all drugs.
I've been suffering from serious insomnia for about 2 weeks now. Pretty much started after my last OB appointment.
I didn't go to work yesterday because I didn't sleep the night before. Falling asleep while at stop lights is not my idea of fun.
I went to my OB yesterday. Lucy's heartbeat is down to 145 from 150. I was freaking out about this til I read a friend's post about it getting closer to 120bpm as we get closer to delivering. Lucy was full-on kicking at the doppler wand.
Blood pressure holding steady at 120/80 - even though I had some salty jambalaya the night before. I thought for sure that would skew it up.
I talked to my OB about the not sleeping and she gave me a prescription for Ambien, with the caveat to use it sparingly. What the heck does that mean?? When I was filling the prescription, I didn't agree to generic (I blame the lack of sleep) and came back with a whopping bill for $130! Whoa. Generic, please. Since I am double insured (employer and military dependent) that got it down to free. Works for me.
So I took this Ambien last night. I really had reservations about it, but my god, how long can I go w/out sleeping? It didn't make me loopy or feel like I was in a coma all night, but I did get a solid night of sleep. Only woke up once to pee. I think I could have slept another couple hours, but I had to get up and come to work. It didn't leave me feeling groggy or loopy in the morning either and I actually feel like a human being again today. I think I'll take one tonight and then give it a rest a couple nights. I don't want to get hooked on it.
Funny how a good night's sleep can make you feel almost positive again.
I lost three pounds in two weeks because of this stupid insomnia. After researching Ambien on the web, I will only use it when I have to and not at all in the third trimester. Hopefully the insomnia will go away by then. I know not everyone agrees with taking drugs while pregnant. But a non-functioning zombie mommy isn't that great either.
I've been suffering from serious insomnia for about 2 weeks now. Pretty much started after my last OB appointment.
I didn't go to work yesterday because I didn't sleep the night before. Falling asleep while at stop lights is not my idea of fun.
I went to my OB yesterday. Lucy's heartbeat is down to 145 from 150. I was freaking out about this til I read a friend's post about it getting closer to 120bpm as we get closer to delivering. Lucy was full-on kicking at the doppler wand.
Blood pressure holding steady at 120/80 - even though I had some salty jambalaya the night before. I thought for sure that would skew it up.
I talked to my OB about the not sleeping and she gave me a prescription for Ambien, with the caveat to use it sparingly. What the heck does that mean?? When I was filling the prescription, I didn't agree to generic (I blame the lack of sleep) and came back with a whopping bill for $130! Whoa. Generic, please. Since I am double insured (employer and military dependent) that got it down to free. Works for me.
So I took this Ambien last night. I really had reservations about it, but my god, how long can I go w/out sleeping? It didn't make me loopy or feel like I was in a coma all night, but I did get a solid night of sleep. Only woke up once to pee. I think I could have slept another couple hours, but I had to get up and come to work. It didn't leave me feeling groggy or loopy in the morning either and I actually feel like a human being again today. I think I'll take one tonight and then give it a rest a couple nights. I don't want to get hooked on it.
Funny how a good night's sleep can make you feel almost positive again.
I lost three pounds in two weeks because of this stupid insomnia. After researching Ambien on the web, I will only use it when I have to and not at all in the third trimester. Hopefully the insomnia will go away by then. I know not everyone agrees with taking drugs while pregnant. But a non-functioning zombie mommy isn't that great either.
7.06.2007
Whew!
Night before last I couldn't sleep because I kept counting weeks and trying to figure out when week 30 was. (Kinda hard to do in the dark when you're in bed half asleep.) I thought 30 weeks was when they were going to make me go off my blood pressure medicine. I talked to my OB yesterday and she looked at me like I was nuts. She told me I wasn't going off the meds at any point. I'm going to double check with the perinatologist, but if that's the case, I'm feeling much better. I may even carry to term!
6.28.2007
Halfway There
I’m halfway there. As of this past Tuesday (6/26/07), I am at 20 weeks, with 20 weeks to go. You’re probably saying “Hey, wait, that’s 10 months!?” Yes, that’s right. The nine months thing is misunderstood. You actually don’t come to term until the end of the ninth month.
So far, everything is progressing nicely. My bp was down to a normal 120/80 at my last ob/gyn appointment -much jubilation all around. It probably helped that they took the blood pressure before the excitement that day. Let me tell you about that.
My OB is normally very punctual. I’ve never had to wait more than 10 minutes past my appointment time, with the exception of the first time I visited. As I walked into the office that day, Dr. was at the front desk on the phone…
“Yes? Really? Well, I have 2 more patients I’d like to finish up with before I head over. Do you think I have 20 minutes? Ok. Call me back.”
Dr. asked that I hurry along and do my usual routine – bp, weight and PIAC (pee in a cup) and her assistant put me into an exam room to wait. There was another woman to be seen before me. I heard the Dr. go into her room. About two minutes later, the receptionist comes running down the hall…
“Dr.! Dr.! The head is crowning. You must go now!”
She pokes her head in my room and apologizes for having to rush off. And poof! She was out the door.
I sat there for 10 minutes or so wondering what to do. Finally I wandered into the waiting area where her assistant told me the Dr. had asked that I wait. As the head was already crowning, the Dr. predicted that she would be back in about an hour.
I hadn’t gone into work that morning because I wasn’t feeling well. My husband had duty that night, so it wasn’t like I had anything else to do. So I waited.
An hour and 10 minutes later she was back. I can only hope my labor goes that quickly and smoothly.
As a high risk pregnancy, I’ll be going in for another ultrasound tomorrow. Since I had some doubts about the whole girl thing (I didn’t really “see” the girl parts myself, I just believed them), it will be good to get some confirmation before we start painting rooms and buying stuff.
I found this link to be really interesting - and explained a lot about the aches and pains I'd been having: http://www.pennhealth.com/health_info/pregnancy/9monthmiracle/tools/fetaltool.html
So far, everything is progressing nicely. My bp was down to a normal 120/80 at my last ob/gyn appointment -much jubilation all around. It probably helped that they took the blood pressure before the excitement that day. Let me tell you about that.
My OB is normally very punctual. I’ve never had to wait more than 10 minutes past my appointment time, with the exception of the first time I visited. As I walked into the office that day, Dr. was at the front desk on the phone…
“Yes? Really? Well, I have 2 more patients I’d like to finish up with before I head over. Do you think I have 20 minutes? Ok. Call me back.”
Dr. asked that I hurry along and do my usual routine – bp, weight and PIAC (pee in a cup) and her assistant put me into an exam room to wait. There was another woman to be seen before me. I heard the Dr. go into her room. About two minutes later, the receptionist comes running down the hall…
“Dr.! Dr.! The head is crowning. You must go now!”
She pokes her head in my room and apologizes for having to rush off. And poof! She was out the door.
I sat there for 10 minutes or so wondering what to do. Finally I wandered into the waiting area where her assistant told me the Dr. had asked that I wait. As the head was already crowning, the Dr. predicted that she would be back in about an hour.
I hadn’t gone into work that morning because I wasn’t feeling well. My husband had duty that night, so it wasn’t like I had anything else to do. So I waited.
An hour and 10 minutes later she was back. I can only hope my labor goes that quickly and smoothly.
As a high risk pregnancy, I’ll be going in for another ultrasound tomorrow. Since I had some doubts about the whole girl thing (I didn’t really “see” the girl parts myself, I just believed them), it will be good to get some confirmation before we start painting rooms and buying stuff.
I found this link to be really interesting - and explained a lot about the aches and pains I'd been having: http://www.pennhealth.com/health_info/pregnancy/9monthmiracle/tools/fetaltool.html
6.07.2007
Twice a Month Dr. Appts.
I mentioned before that I am considered a high risk pregnancy. I don't feel high risk most of the time (unless you count my driving habits), but I have that label because:
- I'm overweight
- I'm over 35
- I have hypertension (high blood pressure)
My thoughts...ok, I'm overweight, but I know there are lots of people bigger than me that have healthy babies all the time. Ok, I'm over 35, but this isn't the Middle Ages for cripe's sake. What about that woman who had twins at freaking 60! Ok, I have hypertension, but before I got pregnant it wasn't considered terribly bad and was controlled through medication (a rather low doseage, I might add).
Before getting pregnant, I even talked with a doctor who later became my perinatologist to make sure I wasn't putting myself at risk by getting pregnant. He pretty much told me what I was thinking, but it was good to get confirmation.
There are benefits to being considered high risk. I didn't have to wait until I was 8 weeks pregnant to see a doctor for the first time. I got my first doc visit and an ultrasound at 6 weeks and an ultrasound every time I went in to see the OB until the heartbeat was able to be heard on a handheld Doppler. I got a Level 2 ultrasound at 12 weeks as well as a blood test to start screening for genetic anamolies. That came with lots of pictures and a cd of even more pictures. I got another Level 2 ultrasound at 17 weeks as well as another blood test to continue the screening. We found out the sex of the baby at 17 weeks instead of having to wait until 20 weeks like the "normies." I feel I'm getting really good care and I'm grateful for that.
Drawbacks of this high risk label: I have to go see my regular OBGYN every two flipping weeks because of my high blood pressure. I've already had to double the doseage of my bp med, which is unusual. Normally your blood pressure drops on it's own during the second trimester. I guess this isn't really a drawback, because everytime I go in there I get to pee in a cup and hear the baby's heartbeat (not at the same time, of course). It's just tiresome going in every 2 weeks.
At yesterday's appointment, my bp was 130/90. Considering it was 135/98 before the meds were doubled, I guess that's movement in the right direction.
6.06.2007
Smelly
Ok, I know the pregnant woman is especially sensitive to smells. I know that and I thought most pregnant women knew that? I can forgive the over-perfumed elevator ride sharer who about gassed me into unconsciousness the other day. She probably didn't think about that cloud of noxious fumes while applying her eau de toilette with a heavy hand that morning.
But other pregnant women? Don't they know better?
While waiting at Fetal Diagnostics the other day, a woman whooshed by me on her way to the check in counter. I thought for sure I was having some sort of life threatening event as I sat there gasping for air. Come to think of it, she was probably in her third trimester. Maybe this over sensitivity to smell disappears later on in pregnancy?
I'll have to stop myself from smelling other pregnant women to test that theory. Lord knows there's a ton of them out there right now. I can't walk down the street to get lunch without seeing at least four or five of them. I guess it's similar to when you get a new car. Suddenly EVERYONE is driving the same car as you.
But other pregnant women? Don't they know better?
While waiting at Fetal Diagnostics the other day, a woman whooshed by me on her way to the check in counter. I thought for sure I was having some sort of life threatening event as I sat there gasping for air. Come to think of it, she was probably in her third trimester. Maybe this over sensitivity to smell disappears later on in pregnancy?
I'll have to stop myself from smelling other pregnant women to test that theory. Lord knows there's a ton of them out there right now. I can't walk down the street to get lunch without seeing at least four or five of them. I guess it's similar to when you get a new car. Suddenly EVERYONE is driving the same car as you.
6.05.2007
Catching Up
Yes, I know I’ve been gone. Something major happened, but not something I wanted to discuss via the internet yet. It has become all consuming and the center of my life. No, I haven’t joined Scientology. But before we get into that, a brief recap of what’s been happening for the last three months or however long it’s been since I last blogged.
The move went fine. I ended up sick the Saturday of the move, but the firm had sent enough people out to help that nary a step was missed. I came into work on Sunday to unpack my personal crap and by Monday everything was up and for the most part running smoothly. That was the least stressful move ever. Yay, firm!
I’m sure there were some funny computer user stories in there somewhere, but silly me didn’t think to write about them at the time and my memory just ain’t what it used to be.
I had a birthday in there somewhere and celebrated with lovely friends and family repeatedly. BirthDAY, my butt…try birthMONTH! Party on, Wayne.
I had a car accident. More like I was a victim of yet another stupid driver in Hawaii. I have a Honda CR-V and the offender had a Toyota Yaris (read: no bigger than a breadbox). Somehow she didn’t see me signaling to change lanes, and after I was already more than 50% into my new lane, sideswiped and slid down the length of the passenger side of my car. Nice. She then proceeded to get out of her car complaining of wrist pain. If I had my way, that would have been the least of her worries. I played along and called the cops and acted nice. The insurance companies decided we were equally at fault. Somehow I ended up making money out of the deal. I’d tell you how, but I don’t want to be investigated for insurance fraud. Deep down I blame this incident on my husband. He decided to change the theater we were supposed to meet up at after work and neglected to inform me. Lured by the thought of big sweaty muscled men in leather underwears, I was driving a bit fast (we were going to see “300”). It took two trips to the body shop, but now my car is back to its former glory.
We just got back from the mainland. We managed (or I did, I left almost a week before hubby did) to visit six cities in two states in two weeks. WTH. I don’t know why they call it vacation. You’re busy as hell but you just don’t go to work. I think I’ve pretty much recovered from the trip, but only time will tell.
On a flight from Honolulu to LA, I sat next to an 8 year old girl and her 12 year old brother. She wasn’t too much of a bother, at least not to me. The woman in the seat in front of her may have a different opinion. Anyway, she was talking to her brother…
Girl: “I just don’t understand why there are so many terrorists in Hawaii.”
Brother: *blink blink* … *blank stare*… “Do you mean tourists?”
Girl, with a wave of her hand: “Terrorists, tourists…whatever.”
About half an hour later…
Girl: “Are we taking the space shuttle home from the airport?”
Brother: *blink blink* “Do you mean the Super Shuttle?”
Girl: “Space shuttle, Super shuttle…whatever.”
Pesky words.
So, you’re probably wondering what all that mumbo jumbo at the beginning of this entry was about. Now that all the friends, family and coworkers know (not that coworkers know about this blog…I’d like to keep my job), I guess I can put it out there in cyberspace. I’m pregnant. And yesterday we found out that we’re having a little girl. I’m due November 13th, so as of today I am 17 weeks along. The pregnancy has been quite interesting, seeing as I’ve never done this before and had no clue what I was getting myself into. I won’t bore you with the first trimester slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. Suffice it to say I am so very glad to be in my second trimester and returning to some semblance of normalcy, if you don’t count the expanding waistline and new wardrobe.I have a friend who is also pregnant right now. She’s about a week behind me, but she's done this before. I think she repressed it though, because she asks me questions.
I’m an information gatherer and avid researcher, so my doctors (I have about half a dozen of them right now as I am considered a high risk pregnancy – they aren’t all pregnancy related, though) don’t really know what to make of me. I think they wonder why I even bother coming in to see them. I answer my own questions or ask them questions I already have the answers to, just to see if they agree with me.
Now you are up to date. I’ve been asked to keep better blogging habits and now that we’re all on the same page, I’ll do that. I’ll try not to bore you to tears with the minutiae of pregnancy, but it will be difficult since that seems to be the center of my universe right now. I will promise to leave out references to bodily functions (or at least veil them as much as possible, unless it’s funnier not to). I’ll think about posting some ultrasound pictures. Generally speaking, they freak me out.
Speaking of ultrasounds, I gave the u/s technician a hard time yesterday while we were trying to determine the gender of the baby. Of course, the baby wasn’t cooperating. It’s facing inward, kept moving around and had its little bitty legs crossed. Finally, the tech said it’s a girl, to which I replied, “The absence of a penis does not necessarily mean it’s a girl. I want to see her girl parts before I believe you.” She showed me the girl parts and even marked them with an arrow.
Besides, have you ever seen baby boy testicles?? They are HUGE. Very hard to miss.
The move went fine. I ended up sick the Saturday of the move, but the firm had sent enough people out to help that nary a step was missed. I came into work on Sunday to unpack my personal crap and by Monday everything was up and for the most part running smoothly. That was the least stressful move ever. Yay, firm!
I’m sure there were some funny computer user stories in there somewhere, but silly me didn’t think to write about them at the time and my memory just ain’t what it used to be.
I had a birthday in there somewhere and celebrated with lovely friends and family repeatedly. BirthDAY, my butt…try birthMONTH! Party on, Wayne.
I had a car accident. More like I was a victim of yet another stupid driver in Hawaii. I have a Honda CR-V and the offender had a Toyota Yaris (read: no bigger than a breadbox). Somehow she didn’t see me signaling to change lanes, and after I was already more than 50% into my new lane, sideswiped and slid down the length of the passenger side of my car. Nice. She then proceeded to get out of her car complaining of wrist pain. If I had my way, that would have been the least of her worries. I played along and called the cops and acted nice. The insurance companies decided we were equally at fault. Somehow I ended up making money out of the deal. I’d tell you how, but I don’t want to be investigated for insurance fraud. Deep down I blame this incident on my husband. He decided to change the theater we were supposed to meet up at after work and neglected to inform me. Lured by the thought of big sweaty muscled men in leather underwears, I was driving a bit fast (we were going to see “300”). It took two trips to the body shop, but now my car is back to its former glory.
We just got back from the mainland. We managed (or I did, I left almost a week before hubby did) to visit six cities in two states in two weeks. WTH. I don’t know why they call it vacation. You’re busy as hell but you just don’t go to work. I think I’ve pretty much recovered from the trip, but only time will tell.
On a flight from Honolulu to LA, I sat next to an 8 year old girl and her 12 year old brother. She wasn’t too much of a bother, at least not to me. The woman in the seat in front of her may have a different opinion. Anyway, she was talking to her brother…
Girl: “I just don’t understand why there are so many terrorists in Hawaii.”
Brother: *blink blink* … *blank stare*… “Do you mean tourists?”
Girl, with a wave of her hand: “Terrorists, tourists…whatever.”
About half an hour later…
Girl: “Are we taking the space shuttle home from the airport?”
Brother: *blink blink* “Do you mean the Super Shuttle?”
Girl: “Space shuttle, Super shuttle…whatever.”
Pesky words.
So, you’re probably wondering what all that mumbo jumbo at the beginning of this entry was about. Now that all the friends, family and coworkers know (not that coworkers know about this blog…I’d like to keep my job), I guess I can put it out there in cyberspace. I’m pregnant. And yesterday we found out that we’re having a little girl. I’m due November 13th, so as of today I am 17 weeks along. The pregnancy has been quite interesting, seeing as I’ve never done this before and had no clue what I was getting myself into. I won’t bore you with the first trimester slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. Suffice it to say I am so very glad to be in my second trimester and returning to some semblance of normalcy, if you don’t count the expanding waistline and new wardrobe.I have a friend who is also pregnant right now. She’s about a week behind me, but she's done this before. I think she repressed it though, because she asks me questions.
I’m an information gatherer and avid researcher, so my doctors (I have about half a dozen of them right now as I am considered a high risk pregnancy – they aren’t all pregnancy related, though) don’t really know what to make of me. I think they wonder why I even bother coming in to see them. I answer my own questions or ask them questions I already have the answers to, just to see if they agree with me.
Now you are up to date. I’ve been asked to keep better blogging habits and now that we’re all on the same page, I’ll do that. I’ll try not to bore you to tears with the minutiae of pregnancy, but it will be difficult since that seems to be the center of my universe right now. I will promise to leave out references to bodily functions (or at least veil them as much as possible, unless it’s funnier not to). I’ll think about posting some ultrasound pictures. Generally speaking, they freak me out.
Speaking of ultrasounds, I gave the u/s technician a hard time yesterday while we were trying to determine the gender of the baby. Of course, the baby wasn’t cooperating. It’s facing inward, kept moving around and had its little bitty legs crossed. Finally, the tech said it’s a girl, to which I replied, “The absence of a penis does not necessarily mean it’s a girl. I want to see her girl parts before I believe you.” She showed me the girl parts and even marked them with an arrow.
Besides, have you ever seen baby boy testicles?? They are HUGE. Very hard to miss.
3.21.2007
So You Work With Computers Part III
Our office is about to embark on a relocation...a whopping three blocks away. Distance doesn't really matter when you move, does it? Any moving sucks.
Unlike the office move I had to do pretty much by myself at my previous company, the firm is flying out no less than a dozen people to assist. Some of these people are on the office admin side and some are on the technology side. They started arriving today.
Our first visitor is with the VoIP phone company that we use. He showed up, the receptionist instant messaged me to let me know he was here and I went out and introduced myself. We chit chatted and then I took him over to the new building, thinking the project manager was there. He wasn't. So we walked back in the rain. Upon our arrival at the old office, we decided to set him up in the conference room so he could get some work done while waiting for the project manager to show up.
He started stammering on and on about our proxies and firewalls (the software/hardware that controls your ability to reach the internet) and how his laptop is new and had never been in one of our offices. Could I go ask one of the guys in IT what the proxy settings are so he could remote into his company's network?
Did you read that last sentence carefully?
Being the effective (!) communicator that I am, I reiterated his request back to him to be sure we were on the same page.
He replied, "Yes, just go ask one of the guys in IT for the utility or what the proxy settings are. They'll know what I'm talking about. Just ask one of the guys in IT."
I stood there looking at him (again with the "you just arrived here from Mars look") and said:
"I AM the guy in IT."
Unlike the office move I had to do pretty much by myself at my previous company, the firm is flying out no less than a dozen people to assist. Some of these people are on the office admin side and some are on the technology side. They started arriving today.
Our first visitor is with the VoIP phone company that we use. He showed up, the receptionist instant messaged me to let me know he was here and I went out and introduced myself. We chit chatted and then I took him over to the new building, thinking the project manager was there. He wasn't. So we walked back in the rain. Upon our arrival at the old office, we decided to set him up in the conference room so he could get some work done while waiting for the project manager to show up.
He started stammering on and on about our proxies and firewalls (the software/hardware that controls your ability to reach the internet) and how his laptop is new and had never been in one of our offices. Could I go ask one of the guys in IT what the proxy settings are so he could remote into his company's network?
Did you read that last sentence carefully?
Being the effective (!) communicator that I am, I reiterated his request back to him to be sure we were on the same page.
He replied, "Yes, just go ask one of the guys in IT for the utility or what the proxy settings are. They'll know what I'm talking about. Just ask one of the guys in IT."
I stood there looking at him (again with the "you just arrived here from Mars look") and said:
"I AM the guy in IT."
3.14.2007
Dad Update
My mom called to tell me that my dad made it through the six hour surgery with flying colors. There was no evidence that the cancer had spread beyond the prostate, but we'll know for sure when we get the pathology results.
Big sigh of relief...
Big sigh of relief...
3.13.2007
So You Work With Computers Part II
It was decided that the tax department, due to their stationary nature and the kind of detail work they do, should have 19" monitors to supplement their puny laptop displays. Great idea, although it took some convincing on my part to get them to see that while they would give up desk space, they would gain "real estate" and not need as much desk space.
The displays finally show up and I set about installing them and giving the users orientation. Let's keep in mind here that this is to supplement the laptop display. Laptops are placed in a docking station, where all the cords and such plug into (including the monitor), so it's very simple, really.
After giving this particular user an orientation to his new set up, he turns to me and says:
"So, if I don't have my laptop, will the monitor and keyboard still work?"
I look at him like he's just dropped in from Mars. The trip from outerspace obviously deprived him of oxygen required for coherent thinking.
After a full minute of me staring at him like the village idiot that he is, he says "Oh, I guess not, huh?"
Ya think?
The displays finally show up and I set about installing them and giving the users orientation. Let's keep in mind here that this is to supplement the laptop display. Laptops are placed in a docking station, where all the cords and such plug into (including the monitor), so it's very simple, really.
After giving this particular user an orientation to his new set up, he turns to me and says:
"So, if I don't have my laptop, will the monitor and keyboard still work?"
I look at him like he's just dropped in from Mars. The trip from outerspace obviously deprived him of oxygen required for coherent thinking.
After a full minute of me staring at him like the village idiot that he is, he says "Oh, I guess not, huh?"
Ya think?
3.07.2007
Ok, ok...I'm still here!
Sorry about the lack of posting lately. I even had a nice one started and somehow it disappeared. Before I get too far into this latest missive, can someone PLEASE tell my why the archive section over there on the right says 2006? And the wrong month no less? I can't figure it out. Maybe it's another victim of the early Daylight Saving Time that's been forced upon us. Anyway...
What have I been up to? Let's see... hubby miraculously managed to not be included in the boat's latest six week underway/trip, so it's togetherness to the nth degree for the next two months or so. It's been nice having him home, especially last week when I was so sick I thought I was going to drown in my own mucus. Lovely thought, no? He came back home February 16th and as of that date had spent a whopping 8 days home the whole year. It's a nice change, but now we are trying to find a hobby or something to do together and my DVR is getting overloaded. And no, sex is not a hobby, as much as he may disagree.
Sunday my father departs for Seattle to go back to the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Center where he will be undergoing a prostatectomy that Tuesday. But this isn't your regular run of the mill surgery, noooo...this is cutting edge medicine done with a robot! The surgery should take approximately 6 hours due to the nerve sparing aspect of it. That's a lot of time on the table, but if it allows the patient to return to normal function, I suspect it will be worth it. Barring complications, he should be back in the 'aina the following Wednesday to start his month long recovery. Keep him in your thoughts if you would.
As you can see life has been rather uneventful lately. We're trying to figure out when our summer trip to the mainland will be and what Cali spots we'll be stopping at on the way to Nebraska and on the way back to Hawaii. Unfortunately, due to scheduling conflicts with the boat's schedule and my stepdaughter's chock-full summer, it's looking like August this year and Nebraska in August is hotter than Dante's fourth circle of hell, so I'm not overly thrilled.
What have I been up to? Let's see... hubby miraculously managed to not be included in the boat's latest six week underway/trip, so it's togetherness to the nth degree for the next two months or so. It's been nice having him home, especially last week when I was so sick I thought I was going to drown in my own mucus. Lovely thought, no? He came back home February 16th and as of that date had spent a whopping 8 days home the whole year. It's a nice change, but now we are trying to find a hobby or something to do together and my DVR is getting overloaded. And no, sex is not a hobby, as much as he may disagree.
Sunday my father departs for Seattle to go back to the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Center where he will be undergoing a prostatectomy that Tuesday. But this isn't your regular run of the mill surgery, noooo...this is cutting edge medicine done with a robot! The surgery should take approximately 6 hours due to the nerve sparing aspect of it. That's a lot of time on the table, but if it allows the patient to return to normal function, I suspect it will be worth it. Barring complications, he should be back in the 'aina the following Wednesday to start his month long recovery. Keep him in your thoughts if you would.
As you can see life has been rather uneventful lately. We're trying to figure out when our summer trip to the mainland will be and what Cali spots we'll be stopping at on the way to Nebraska and on the way back to Hawaii. Unfortunately, due to scheduling conflicts with the boat's schedule and my stepdaughter's chock-full summer, it's looking like August this year and Nebraska in August is hotter than Dante's fourth circle of hell, so I'm not overly thrilled.
2.15.2007
Everything Ends
Last night marked the end of my journey with "Six Feet Under." For those of you who have been living under a rock or in a coma for the last six years, 6FU was a series on HBO that followed the Fisher family. The Fishers are Funeral Directors. Almost every episode started with a death that would end up at their doors. There was all kinds of other drama for the family - relationships, deaths of their loved ones, life decisions, etc., but there was this constant presence of death in their lives. Not to mention the fallout of growing up in a funeral home.
Let me back up a minute here. After my father was diagnosed with what we thought was metastasized prostate cancer, I started preparing myself for his untimely demise. I became a little obsessed with death on some level and remembered hearing about a series called "Dead Like Me." This was shortly after starting my Netflix subscription, so I did a search and read the synopsis. Through the marvel of technology it began arriving at my door a short time later. I am a dark person by nature, with a dry sense of humor and a well-honed edge of sarcasm. I like dark and quirky comedies and "DLM" fit the bill wonderfully. It was about an 18 year old girl who dies unexpectedly and becomes a Grim Reaper - someone who has to escort other people through death to the other side. I'm going to assume that you clicked on the link above and read the synopsis, so I don't have to fill you in here.
In an effort to make sense of - and possibly make peace with - my own mortality and the mortality of those around me, I moved on to 6FU after finishing DLM. Now, I'm not going to sit here like some weirdo and tell you these shows changed my life, but they kind of did. It was like being faced with death presented with humor and a certain practicality has allowed me to come to terms with it. I'm not saying I'm ok with death. I'm not - it sucks. But it's part of life and a commonality we all share, some sooner than others.
Somehow or another this preoccupation with death, not the sensationalized mass murder of a slasher film or video game, but the quiet inevitability of it has made me a bit more cognizant of how I live my life. Everything ends, according to the aptly named soundtrack for 6FU, and even if I'm halfway there, I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts.
And put some comedies in my Netflix queue.
Let me back up a minute here. After my father was diagnosed with what we thought was metastasized prostate cancer, I started preparing myself for his untimely demise. I became a little obsessed with death on some level and remembered hearing about a series called "Dead Like Me." This was shortly after starting my Netflix subscription, so I did a search and read the synopsis. Through the marvel of technology it began arriving at my door a short time later. I am a dark person by nature, with a dry sense of humor and a well-honed edge of sarcasm. I like dark and quirky comedies and "DLM" fit the bill wonderfully. It was about an 18 year old girl who dies unexpectedly and becomes a Grim Reaper - someone who has to escort other people through death to the other side. I'm going to assume that you clicked on the link above and read the synopsis, so I don't have to fill you in here.
In an effort to make sense of - and possibly make peace with - my own mortality and the mortality of those around me, I moved on to 6FU after finishing DLM. Now, I'm not going to sit here like some weirdo and tell you these shows changed my life, but they kind of did. It was like being faced with death presented with humor and a certain practicality has allowed me to come to terms with it. I'm not saying I'm ok with death. I'm not - it sucks. But it's part of life and a commonality we all share, some sooner than others.
Somehow or another this preoccupation with death, not the sensationalized mass murder of a slasher film or video game, but the quiet inevitability of it has made me a bit more cognizant of how I live my life. Everything ends, according to the aptly named soundtrack for 6FU, and even if I'm halfway there, I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts.
And put some comedies in my Netflix queue.
2.06.2007
Self-Flagellation As A Pastime Activity
I watch a lot of movies. I watch a lot of tv on dvd because I like watching stuff all bunched up together. I watch too much tv, I admit. Last night I couldn't sleep so I watched The Da Vinci Code. This was the second time I attempted to watch this movie...this time I actually made it through to the end. The book was better, but I digress.
I'm sitting there watching that creepy monk-dude Silas beat the sh!t out of himself with a cat o'nine tails or whatever it is and thinking "Man, that's stupid." Today as I was beating myself up about something (as I often do, more than once a day) and I realized I was a practitioner of that creepy ritual. Not physically, of course, but mentally. Man, that's stupid.
Now, I know we all do this from time to time, but I have a highly specialized habit of setting expectations way too high just so I can come up short and beat myself up about it. I also like to think for other people so they can help me. By this I mean I somehow astrally project myself into someone else's mind and find all the horrible things they think about me - how I look, how I act, how I manifest some weird personal tic. Why beat up myself by myself. I can get someone else in on the action, too. It's a party!
Let's take roll call, shall we, of the top contenders in the litany of self-flagellation:
I'm fat.
I'm mean.
I'm impatient.
I'm lazy.
I'm stupid.
I'm not emotionally available.
I've been having "a long talk with Self" as my dear friend calls it and decided that after 35 years, it's time to break this habit. These tapes, as my therapist calls them, are worn out and have been unpopular for quite some time now. So unpopular, in fact, they are actually on vinyl.
The New Philosophy
This brings us to HT's new philosophy for the second half of this lifetime program (not to be confused with programs on Lifetime: TV for Women in Constant Distress): The "More Often Than Not" philosophy. In this philosophy, if I am doing something good for myself more often than not, I'm not allowed to beat myself up about it. For instance:
I'm fat : Well, guess what, lady, you're not the only one and you didn't get here overnight. So as long as you are eating healthy and exercising more often than not, you don't get to crap on yourself about this anymore.
I'm mean: Yeah, well, we all have our moments. As long as they are just moments and not a steady stream of anti-social outward behavior, you're not that bad.
You get the drift.
This does lead me to wonder what I am going to do with all the extra time on my hands now that I can't engage in self-flagellation as a pastime activity.
I'm sitting there watching that creepy monk-dude Silas beat the sh!t out of himself with a cat o'nine tails or whatever it is and thinking "Man, that's stupid." Today as I was beating myself up about something (as I often do, more than once a day) and I realized I was a practitioner of that creepy ritual. Not physically, of course, but mentally. Man, that's stupid.
Now, I know we all do this from time to time, but I have a highly specialized habit of setting expectations way too high just so I can come up short and beat myself up about it. I also like to think for other people so they can help me. By this I mean I somehow astrally project myself into someone else's mind and find all the horrible things they think about me - how I look, how I act, how I manifest some weird personal tic. Why beat up myself by myself. I can get someone else in on the action, too. It's a party!
Let's take roll call, shall we, of the top contenders in the litany of self-flagellation:
I'm fat.
I'm mean.
I'm impatient.
I'm lazy.
I'm stupid.
I'm not emotionally available.
I've been having "a long talk with Self" as my dear friend calls it and decided that after 35 years, it's time to break this habit. These tapes, as my therapist calls them, are worn out and have been unpopular for quite some time now. So unpopular, in fact, they are actually on vinyl.
The New Philosophy
This brings us to HT's new philosophy for the second half of this lifetime program (not to be confused with programs on Lifetime: TV for Women in Constant Distress): The "More Often Than Not" philosophy. In this philosophy, if I am doing something good for myself more often than not, I'm not allowed to beat myself up about it. For instance:
I'm fat : Well, guess what, lady, you're not the only one and you didn't get here overnight. So as long as you are eating healthy and exercising more often than not, you don't get to crap on yourself about this anymore.
I'm mean: Yeah, well, we all have our moments. As long as they are just moments and not a steady stream of anti-social outward behavior, you're not that bad.
You get the drift.
This does lead me to wonder what I am going to do with all the extra time on my hands now that I can't engage in self-flagellation as a pastime activity.
2.05.2007
So You Work With Computers
This is what people say when I tell them what I do. Yes, I work with computers...or should I say I work ON computers. But that isn't what my job is really about. And sometimes I wonder if I have any business at all in this career field.
For those of you playing the home version, I work in Technology Support. Sounds like I support technology, doesn't it? No, I support people who, in many cases, have no business getting close to anything more complex than a pocket calculator. I really try very hard not to be that stereotypical support person...the guy on SNL that spits technology gobbeldygook at you for two minutes then gets irritated by the blank look on your face and demands you "mmmoooooove." I understand you all don't have a background in technology and for some of you, it's a new and scary world of things you can't/won't/don't understand. I really do try to hold on to that, but sometimes it's very hard.
My patience is especially thin when people are given explicit direction and decide to take the complete opposite path anyway. Not only do they have no remorse for what they've done (practically on purpose), but have little patience when the fix for their ill-conceived problem takes more than 30 seconds.
The company I work for (we'll call them XYZ Co.) uses Instant Messenging as a big part of communication. It's great because you don't have to stop what you are doing to answer the phone. You can continue playing solitaire and surfing stock prices while you are helping a customer. (I don't do that mind you, but I know there are those out there that do.) My company is big on IM etiquette, and etiquette in general, so for the most part, people check to see if you have a moment before they spend half an hour typing out a monologue of their most recent problem at at whopping 6 w.p.m. I'm sure I'll have a rant on that some other time. Movin' on...
XYZ is in the tax preparation business (among other business lines) and instead of bothering the people who have to work on client-related issues that help put food on the table and Luis Vutton bags on our arms, they have graciously offered to reimburse us for the cost of tax preparation software. They sent out an email to everyone stating that along with the explicit instruction that the aformentioned tax prep software IS NOT TO BE LOADED ONTO COMPANY COMPUTERS. This is because we (not me personally, but the big dudes higher up and farther away) build the set of programs that are loaded onto the PCs and rigorously test them to ensure they all play well together. Introducing something new and untested into that controlled environment is not recommended and is called breaking the loadset. This is bad. Very bad.
User: "Hi, HT."
Me: "Hi, User."
User: "I got the blue screen this morning."
For those of who somehow have not had the pleasure of having a Windows-based operating system, the user is referring to the BSOD - Blue Screen of Death. You get this when there is something horribly and irreparably wrong with your computer. Or whenever it feels like giving you a mild cardiac event for absolutely no reason at all.
Me: "Sorry to hear that. Have there been any changes to your system lately?"
User: "No."
I then spend the time explaining to User how to help me help her by capturing the exact message the BSOD is giving her instead of it rebooting seemingly inexplicably.
User: "Oh, I installed ________ (insert favorite tax preparation software du jour here). Do you think that might be the problem?"
This means User read the memo that outlined the reimbursement policy, probably figured out the reimbursement code for her expense report and chose to ignore the part that said DO NOT LOAD SOFTWARE ONTO YOUR COMPANY COMPUTER.
*sigh*
For those of you playing the home version, I work in Technology Support. Sounds like I support technology, doesn't it? No, I support people who, in many cases, have no business getting close to anything more complex than a pocket calculator. I really try very hard not to be that stereotypical support person...the guy on SNL that spits technology gobbeldygook at you for two minutes then gets irritated by the blank look on your face and demands you "mmmoooooove." I understand you all don't have a background in technology and for some of you, it's a new and scary world of things you can't/won't/don't understand. I really do try to hold on to that, but sometimes it's very hard.
My patience is especially thin when people are given explicit direction and decide to take the complete opposite path anyway. Not only do they have no remorse for what they've done (practically on purpose), but have little patience when the fix for their ill-conceived problem takes more than 30 seconds.
The company I work for (we'll call them XYZ Co.) uses Instant Messenging as a big part of communication. It's great because you don't have to stop what you are doing to answer the phone. You can continue playing solitaire and surfing stock prices while you are helping a customer. (I don't do that mind you, but I know there are those out there that do.) My company is big on IM etiquette, and etiquette in general, so for the most part, people check to see if you have a moment before they spend half an hour typing out a monologue of their most recent problem at at whopping 6 w.p.m. I'm sure I'll have a rant on that some other time. Movin' on...
XYZ is in the tax preparation business (among other business lines) and instead of bothering the people who have to work on client-related issues that help put food on the table and Luis Vutton bags on our arms, they have graciously offered to reimburse us for the cost of tax preparation software. They sent out an email to everyone stating that along with the explicit instruction that the aformentioned tax prep software IS NOT TO BE LOADED ONTO COMPANY COMPUTERS. This is because we (not me personally, but the big dudes higher up and farther away) build the set of programs that are loaded onto the PCs and rigorously test them to ensure they all play well together. Introducing something new and untested into that controlled environment is not recommended and is called breaking the loadset. This is bad. Very bad.
User: "Hi, HT."
Me: "Hi, User."
User: "I got the blue screen this morning."
For those of who somehow have not had the pleasure of having a Windows-based operating system, the user is referring to the BSOD - Blue Screen of Death. You get this when there is something horribly and irreparably wrong with your computer. Or whenever it feels like giving you a mild cardiac event for absolutely no reason at all.
Me: "Sorry to hear that. Have there been any changes to your system lately?"
User: "No."
I then spend the time explaining to User how to help me help her by capturing the exact message the BSOD is giving her instead of it rebooting seemingly inexplicably.
User: "Oh, I installed ________ (insert favorite tax preparation software du jour here). Do you think that might be the problem?"
This means User read the memo that outlined the reimbursement policy, probably figured out the reimbursement code for her expense report and chose to ignore the part that said DO NOT LOAD SOFTWARE ONTO YOUR COMPANY COMPUTER.
*sigh*
2.04.2007
Antwone Fisher
I caught this movie on cable tonight. I vaguely remember reading the book before the movie came out in theaters. I’ve seen it a few times before, but it’s been long enough that this time I saw it with a fresh perspective. I’d forgotten how much I like it. It is based on a true story. It takes place in one of my favorite cities (San Diego) and centers around a young man in the Navy. I was in the Navy once. Sometimes I miss it…I miss the camaraderie, the security and the sense that I was doing something useful. Plus it has Denzel Washington in it and I would watch Denzel read the Cleveland Yellow Pages.
Anyway, this young man had a really hard life before joining the Navy. He was abandoned by his mother, abused by his foster parents and eventually thrown out on the streets to fend for himself. That’s when he joined the Navy. But his past, and his inability to come to terms with it, causes anger issues, which cause him to be faced with the possibility of being thrown out of the Navy. He works through those problems with the help of a psychiatrist (Denzel), who urges him to go find his family. He does…and faces the people who abused him and finds the mother who abandoned him. He also finds a large extended family who welcomes him with open arms and he finally feels like he belongs.
This post isn’t a movie review…I’m getting to my point.
He goes back to the psychiatrist to tell him that he found his mother. He says “I forgive her, but if I never see her again…”
When all hell broke loose with my father’s health, I had been in the middle of dealing with my (lack of) relationship with my mother. We have a bad past with things that happened that I thought I could never forgive her for. People would tell me “You can’t be angry with her, she did the best she could do at the time.” Bull. I felt she purposely did what she did to be hurtful and vindictive. I couldn’t let go.
Then I faced the possibility of losing one of the most important people in my life. The person who took me out of that bad environment and gave me the tools to live a better life. The person I’d looked up to for as long as I could remember. Suddenly, my biological mother was no longer important.
She is missing out. She doesn’t know the person I’ve become and she never will. She’s chosen to have our relationship end up this way. I am a good person and her life is emptier for not knowing me.
I forgive her, but if I never see her again…
Anyway, this young man had a really hard life before joining the Navy. He was abandoned by his mother, abused by his foster parents and eventually thrown out on the streets to fend for himself. That’s when he joined the Navy. But his past, and his inability to come to terms with it, causes anger issues, which cause him to be faced with the possibility of being thrown out of the Navy. He works through those problems with the help of a psychiatrist (Denzel), who urges him to go find his family. He does…and faces the people who abused him and finds the mother who abandoned him. He also finds a large extended family who welcomes him with open arms and he finally feels like he belongs.
This post isn’t a movie review…I’m getting to my point.
He goes back to the psychiatrist to tell him that he found his mother. He says “I forgive her, but if I never see her again…”
When all hell broke loose with my father’s health, I had been in the middle of dealing with my (lack of) relationship with my mother. We have a bad past with things that happened that I thought I could never forgive her for. People would tell me “You can’t be angry with her, she did the best she could do at the time.” Bull. I felt she purposely did what she did to be hurtful and vindictive. I couldn’t let go.
Then I faced the possibility of losing one of the most important people in my life. The person who took me out of that bad environment and gave me the tools to live a better life. The person I’d looked up to for as long as I could remember. Suddenly, my biological mother was no longer important.
She is missing out. She doesn’t know the person I’ve become and she never will. She’s chosen to have our relationship end up this way. I am a good person and her life is emptier for not knowing me.
I forgive her, but if I never see her again…
So What?
I don't expect anyone to read this. I'm fine with that. I just wanted someplace to dump some thoughts and keep some sort of record of my life. I'm horrible at record keeping. Horrible at keeping in touch with people. Almost three years ago I left behind a circle of great friends to move back home to Hawaii. We said goodbye with promises of visits and keeping in touch. No one's been to visit. I see them occasionally when I have to travel to the mainland on business or can do a weekend stopover on the way back from visiting family in the Midwest. I get a once in awhile phone call...sometimes I see someone online and we can chat. Part of me knows that the ones that were true friends will always be true friends, even though they've moved on with their lives...bought houses, gotten married, planning kids. But it still hurts. I've had fantasies of buying a huge parcel of land somewhere and rounding up all the important people in my life and giving them homes on that land so we can all be together. Totally unrealistic, but a nice thought just the same.
One of these friends has a blog and I've been keeping track of her that way. It's a nice way to peep in on her life and make sure everything is alright. It's very passive. It seems to be comfortable for her. I've watched her circle of friends grow in her new environment and I'm so happy her life is on the right track. Yet, I miss her. A lot.
Another friend (not to sound all teenagery, but my very bestest friend in the whole wide world) started blogging to cope with a major loss in her life. She suggested I do the same. Said it was easy enough. Point, click, type, done. So here I am. Dumping out my thoughts into cyberspace where my identity is protected to discourage the stalkers and the crazies. Those of you who know me and are reading this may get to know me a little more than you wanted to. Those of you who don't know me and are reading this (not sure why, but ok) may think I'm totally whack. So what?
A little on the title of this blog. A few months after turning 35, my high school boyfriend happened to be in town with his daughter. We had dinner and got caught up on the last 15 years or so of our lives. We started talking about aging and I mentioned to him that I felt I had hit the pinnacle and it was a slow slide down to the afterlife from here. Defeatist? Yes. Pessimistic? Of course. I didn't realize how true it was.
Death and loss are a part of life. I understand that. But up until the last year, I had only the slightest experience with it. Nothing really first hand. Sure, family members have been dying off all my life, but they weren't close family members. Not really. Then...
Maggie died. Maggie was a dog. Not just a dog...a great dog. She was independent. She had attitude. She was warm and caring when she wanted and would let you know when she was done with the closeness. I respected that. She was a therapy dog. She was my parents' dog. Shortly after moving back home, my marriage was on the rocks and I was in a strange place. I couldn't open up to my parents very easily. Everyone knew something was up, but didn't want to force the issue. So I would go to my parents' house for refuge and Maggie would lay next to me...sometimes lay ON me (not really comfortable, since she was an 80 lb Bull Mastiff) and give me comfort. She passed away from cancer at the end of December 2005 and I'm still not over it. I dream of her often. Then...
I got re-married in the middle of 2006 and we took a trip Nebraska to see our families. We're both from there originally...funny, since we met in Hawaii, but that's a whole nother story I'm not going to get into here. :) His parents, sister and her family and his daughter live there. My brother still lives in Nebraska and my estranged biological mother does too, sort of. In an effort to see if there was anything worth salvaging of this supposed mother-daughter bond, we made plans to spend the day with her. It was a huge disaster. This woman is the woman that gave birth to me and it was all she could do to look me in the eye and acknowledge my presence. We ended up escaping early without a goodbye and I proceeded to go into a major depression. Nice way to start a marriage, huh? I went back into therapy and my husband tried to be there for me as I mourned the loss of this relationship. Then...
My father was diagnosed with prostate cancer. The doctors said it had already metastasized into his spine and the outlook was bleaker than bleak. As I sat there on the couch with my husband at my side and my father telling me he was dying I felt like my world was literally ending. Therapy sessions were stepped up to once a week. My therapist had to learn to become a grief counselor on the fly as we worked towards finding a place where I could handle it. The anger was unbelievable. I was scared. It colored every part of my life. I had nightmares. I had mood swings. I went numb. Then...
My best friend called from the mainland to tell me she'd been put on bedrest. She was pregnant with twins and having some difficulty so as a precaution they were putting her on strict bedrest. The hope was her being able to carry at least to 30 weeks, when the babies would have a better chance. A couple of weeks later they had to deliver the babies via c-section at just under 25 weeks. At the time, I really didn't understand what this meant. I was just so happy that they had two little girls and that my friend was ok. As the days went on, the real picture became clearer. This was not good. I felt so helpless already dealing with my dad's cancer and I was in the same geographical location as him. I told my husband that I felt even more helpless that I couldn't do anything for my friend from here. "Then don't be here," he said, "be there." Three days later I walked into her hospital room and heard the real news. And again, my world crumbled. These precious little lives that we had been so looking forward to being a part of would be ending before they could really get started. My husband flew out the next day and close friends and family gathered around to show our support and our love for these little girls that we would never get to know. It was the most heartbreaking thing I've ever lived through, but I was so glad I could be there for them and for my friend and her husband.
At this point, I was at my limit. No more pain, please, no more loss. I tried so hard not to shut down completely to preserve my sanity. My dad was off to Seattle to go to a cancer treatment center and find out what his options were. My friend's ordeal had taught me what the word "palliative" meant. That word kept coming up in relation to my dad and I did not like it. My parents called a few days later to tell me that the doctors here at home were wrong, to some extent. Yes, my father has prostate cancer, but no, it has not spread to his spine. It is still localized and therefore a prostatectomy (try saying that three times fast) is the best course of action and he will be considered cured. Unbelievable. I was so angry at the doctors here, I couldn't be happy for about a week. This was right before Christmas, so we celebrated through the holidays. I'm still mistrustful, though. I will not believe this is over until the surgery is done and I hear from them that there was nothing unusual about it. Then I can breathe a sigh of relief.
Then Simon died. Simon was my mom's dog and he went fast from lung cancer. He was a good dog and he had a long life. I know it was very difficult on my mom, but I can't help to think how much more difficult it would have been if things wouldn't have worked out for my dad. So that loss is tempered that way.
So, there's a little background. I promise to keep things shorter from here on out. A big thank you to Puddin' who had the original post still on her screen so I could recreate this after destroying it when I tried to put links in. Note to self: draft in Word first!
One of these friends has a blog and I've been keeping track of her that way. It's a nice way to peep in on her life and make sure everything is alright. It's very passive. It seems to be comfortable for her. I've watched her circle of friends grow in her new environment and I'm so happy her life is on the right track. Yet, I miss her. A lot.
Another friend (not to sound all teenagery, but my very bestest friend in the whole wide world) started blogging to cope with a major loss in her life. She suggested I do the same. Said it was easy enough. Point, click, type, done. So here I am. Dumping out my thoughts into cyberspace where my identity is protected to discourage the stalkers and the crazies. Those of you who know me and are reading this may get to know me a little more than you wanted to. Those of you who don't know me and are reading this (not sure why, but ok) may think I'm totally whack. So what?
A little on the title of this blog. A few months after turning 35, my high school boyfriend happened to be in town with his daughter. We had dinner and got caught up on the last 15 years or so of our lives. We started talking about aging and I mentioned to him that I felt I had hit the pinnacle and it was a slow slide down to the afterlife from here. Defeatist? Yes. Pessimistic? Of course. I didn't realize how true it was.
Death and loss are a part of life. I understand that. But up until the last year, I had only the slightest experience with it. Nothing really first hand. Sure, family members have been dying off all my life, but they weren't close family members. Not really. Then...
Maggie died. Maggie was a dog. Not just a dog...a great dog. She was independent. She had attitude. She was warm and caring when she wanted and would let you know when she was done with the closeness. I respected that. She was a therapy dog. She was my parents' dog. Shortly after moving back home, my marriage was on the rocks and I was in a strange place. I couldn't open up to my parents very easily. Everyone knew something was up, but didn't want to force the issue. So I would go to my parents' house for refuge and Maggie would lay next to me...sometimes lay ON me (not really comfortable, since she was an 80 lb Bull Mastiff) and give me comfort. She passed away from cancer at the end of December 2005 and I'm still not over it. I dream of her often. Then...
I got re-married in the middle of 2006 and we took a trip Nebraska to see our families. We're both from there originally...funny, since we met in Hawaii, but that's a whole nother story I'm not going to get into here. :) His parents, sister and her family and his daughter live there. My brother still lives in Nebraska and my estranged biological mother does too, sort of. In an effort to see if there was anything worth salvaging of this supposed mother-daughter bond, we made plans to spend the day with her. It was a huge disaster. This woman is the woman that gave birth to me and it was all she could do to look me in the eye and acknowledge my presence. We ended up escaping early without a goodbye and I proceeded to go into a major depression. Nice way to start a marriage, huh? I went back into therapy and my husband tried to be there for me as I mourned the loss of this relationship. Then...
My father was diagnosed with prostate cancer. The doctors said it had already metastasized into his spine and the outlook was bleaker than bleak. As I sat there on the couch with my husband at my side and my father telling me he was dying I felt like my world was literally ending. Therapy sessions were stepped up to once a week. My therapist had to learn to become a grief counselor on the fly as we worked towards finding a place where I could handle it. The anger was unbelievable. I was scared. It colored every part of my life. I had nightmares. I had mood swings. I went numb. Then...
My best friend called from the mainland to tell me she'd been put on bedrest. She was pregnant with twins and having some difficulty so as a precaution they were putting her on strict bedrest. The hope was her being able to carry at least to 30 weeks, when the babies would have a better chance. A couple of weeks later they had to deliver the babies via c-section at just under 25 weeks. At the time, I really didn't understand what this meant. I was just so happy that they had two little girls and that my friend was ok. As the days went on, the real picture became clearer. This was not good. I felt so helpless already dealing with my dad's cancer and I was in the same geographical location as him. I told my husband that I felt even more helpless that I couldn't do anything for my friend from here. "Then don't be here," he said, "be there." Three days later I walked into her hospital room and heard the real news. And again, my world crumbled. These precious little lives that we had been so looking forward to being a part of would be ending before they could really get started. My husband flew out the next day and close friends and family gathered around to show our support and our love for these little girls that we would never get to know. It was the most heartbreaking thing I've ever lived through, but I was so glad I could be there for them and for my friend and her husband.
At this point, I was at my limit. No more pain, please, no more loss. I tried so hard not to shut down completely to preserve my sanity. My dad was off to Seattle to go to a cancer treatment center and find out what his options were. My friend's ordeal had taught me what the word "palliative" meant. That word kept coming up in relation to my dad and I did not like it. My parents called a few days later to tell me that the doctors here at home were wrong, to some extent. Yes, my father has prostate cancer, but no, it has not spread to his spine. It is still localized and therefore a prostatectomy (try saying that three times fast) is the best course of action and he will be considered cured. Unbelievable. I was so angry at the doctors here, I couldn't be happy for about a week. This was right before Christmas, so we celebrated through the holidays. I'm still mistrustful, though. I will not believe this is over until the surgery is done and I hear from them that there was nothing unusual about it. Then I can breathe a sigh of relief.
Then Simon died. Simon was my mom's dog and he went fast from lung cancer. He was a good dog and he had a long life. I know it was very difficult on my mom, but I can't help to think how much more difficult it would have been if things wouldn't have worked out for my dad. So that loss is tempered that way.
So, there's a little background. I promise to keep things shorter from here on out. A big thank you to Puddin' who had the original post still on her screen so I could recreate this after destroying it when I tried to put links in. Note to self: draft in Word first!
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